I'm So Sick!

I'm so sick about myself! I'm famous as a sicko ,friends always said Im like a medicine provider..anyone who feels sick just can come and get any medicine they want from me..menstrual panadol,normal panadol,oil,fever medicine,stomachache medice..zzz
and yah, I do have a really sick look..college mates used to ask me this," Are you sick again?Why you look so pale?" I do not know why I look pale even if I'm okay ,I'm not sick..

Guess I have to just agreed with some sayings that you'll look sick outside if you're internally sick..mentally sick..yesh,I am I am. I'm a very weak person..cause I'm girl! My heart is the weakest. Cause its already broken.Once it's broken in pieces,its damn hard to fix it back.

It's been so long already,I'm even lazy to count ,it last like this how long already..I don't know who I am..I don't like myself..really,yes I really Hate myself..
I'm so sick of myself! I'm so sorry to all my friends.especially the close one.. I knew it..I know someday you people will feel sick at me as well.. I don't know why recently I became like so bad tempered and so sensitive..but in fact, I'm just very upset when I heard words which show that you guys already got bored with me..with my attitude all these while..I didn't blame because even Myself are feeling sick too! I really wanna change..I'm trying my bes But I'm sorry I can't change things..

I did try you know?I did..I'm trying hard ,very hard every single days..but I just couldn't get happy..so I'll just party hard..perhaps to get high and happy for that particular moment..I know I've been acting like a stupid immature person but I don't care..I'm not being greedy..I just need someone who can support me,someone who can comfort me,someone who can understand me,listen to me,can accept who am I. Do you guys know whats the feeling when your closest family members felt the same way as the others feel and choosed to give up on you
? Let me tell you, You'll feel so hopeless about yourself. You might want to give up on yourself too. But I'm trying best to ignore those unhappy things. Telling myself that it is Nothing Cause You've been through Shit Michelle Ng!

Whatever you guys wanna call me ,Drunktard,alcoholic,emo kid,blah blah blah..I Don't fucking care okay?You don't know me!So just get the hell out of my life.thanks. I don't need your judgement.
And yeah,I admit I'm very stubborn. but sorry I can't change it. That's just me.
Yes I do feel upset when people call me a bad girl,told me that I've changed a lot,ask me to behave like a good girl,tell me that I shouldnt do this and that..I do think about it all the time..
I'll accept some and ignore the rest. but guess what?if you guys really don't like my attitude now,it's ok just fuck off cause neither Me.

I have soo much things to write.been keeping inside too long..gonna be mad soon!
I've been keeping things away from some of my close friends,I'm sorry..Cause I assumed that you guys already fed up with my complains ,sad stories. I don't want you guys to feel annoyed.
That's why whenever you all ask me:"How are you?How's life?Is everything okay?" I'll definitely give positive answer..I don't wanna lie..but I'm just being too negative already so I have no choice but sometimes to act in front of y'all. I really hope I can talk. I can express it out loud.But when you reach a point which you tell all your stories out and people can't understand ,you'll feel it's pointless to tell. So I rather keep it all. Sometimes I try to act happy in front of my friends,cause I don't want to be an emo person,unhappy person. I don't want them to worry..I don't want to show face like the rest of the world owe me things..but I know that I'm just lying to myself.

I don't understand why people can get over bad/sad things so fast but I can't.
I jealous them. I feel like an idiot seeing you getting over it SO fast and can just moved on with your life like a rocket but lefting me stucked here. I hate myself. I hate I still cannot get over it and move on. I hate that You're still the one that affects my life the most.I hate that you still appear in my dream everyday every night.I hate that my heart is still aching when I see you are trying to approach some new girls. I don't want to see you. I don't want to go school.I'm so sick of myself,so sick of everything..so lazy to wake up from my dreams..But tell me why god arrange things in such a way ?Don't tell me it is fate..I hate this word.
I dont believe that there are always rainbows after the rain. Cause it will never happen on me, I don't see it~