My mood is in grey colour..nonono..it's in BLack~!
I don't fucking know why good things will never happen on me..always the bad one..problems problems and problems!
Nothing is good! It's so fucking unfair.
Family,love,studies,friendship...
I once relied on friendship when I was lost..cause that's the only thing I could rely on.
Friends always come first..but I still do love my family.(its just that we communicate in a different way)
TODAY IS REALLY A BAD BAD DAY FOR ME.
I don't know why.it feels like another important person gave up on me. I know It might seem too serious to say that,but that's how I feel. I'm dying inside..for a really long time..this time is like more deeper...
Disappointment is what I get. Sorry Is my bad Its all my fault. I got problems. I don't know what I'm talking.I need to see a psychologist!! My problems have never been cure so far..I'm suffering from major depression..whoever comes near me or mix too much with me might get influence by me also..I'm the only person with sad face..all of them are happy..why I just can't be one of them? I hate it so much!
You're mad at me for the reason that I didn't even think of it and the worse part I didnt even realized it..how funny is that?I don't deserve anyone. You 'll just get hurt and sick cause you havta deal with a psycho like ME!
You're mad at me
I'm Mad at myself too. I don't know what to do.
I'm tired. Exhausted.
You're right..its true..
Pretty sad right to look at me?to have a friend like me?
It was so shocking that actually you can also know my weaknesses.
Yes,I'm that kind of person.
I have low self-esteem.
I do not love myself and instead..I do not know how to..
That is why I don't deserve anyone..How could us love someone else when we don't even know how to love ourself?I'm always reminding myself that I don't deserve anyone until the day that I already start loving myself..but seems it'll never come true.
I'm feeling so sad for myself too after you telling me that you're just so sad to look at me cause I do not love myself. I do not need pity..I felt offended but I know you were right.
But instead of telling me this..is there any better things that you can do?If not then please.. just don't let me know and let me down..just keep it yourself..cause its so shameful! so shameful to have a friend like me!
This is me..that's why for having this kind of attitude..the bad things happen at the first place.
I CAN'T HELP IT~I'm like that since young!guess what?!even my mom said wanna bring me go see psychologist.
You tell me what the hell I can do?
Why would I try so hard to fix something which was already broken so badly and cannot be fix back anymore?isn't it useless? I rather be spoilt. Yes I am.
Trust me.I don't wanna hurt anybody.
Just leave me alone.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I'm So Sick!
I'm so sick about myself! I'm famous as a sicko ,friends always said Im like a medicine provider..anyone who feels sick just can come and get any medicine they want from me..menstrual panadol,normal panadol,oil,fever medicine,stomachache medice..zzz
and yah, I do have a really sick look..college mates used to ask me this," Are you sick again?Why you look so pale?" I do not know why I look pale even if I'm okay ,I'm not sick..
Guess I have to just agreed with some sayings that you'll look sick outside if you're internally sick..mentally sick..yesh,I am I am. I'm a very weak person..cause I'm girl! My heart is the weakest. Cause its already broken.Once it's broken in pieces,its damn hard to fix it back.
It's been so long already,I'm even lazy to count ,it last like this how long already..I don't know who I am..I don't like myself..really,yes I really Hate myself..
I'm so sick of myself! I'm so sorry to all my friends.especially the close one.. I knew it..I know someday you people will feel sick at me as well.. I don't know why recently I became like so bad tempered and so sensitive..but in fact, I'm just very upset when I heard words which show that you guys already got bored with me..with my attitude all these while..I didn't blame because even Myself are feeling sick too! I really wanna change..I'm trying my bes But I'm sorry I can't change things..
I did try you know?I did..I'm trying hard ,very hard every single days..but I just couldn't get happy..so I'll just party hard..perhaps to get high and happy for that particular moment..I know I've been acting like a stupid immature person but I don't care..I'm not being greedy..I just need someone who can support me,someone who can comfort me,someone who can understand me,listen to me,can accept who am I. Do you guys know whats the feeling when your closest family members felt the same way as the others feel and choosed to give up on you
? Let me tell you, You'll feel so hopeless about yourself. You might want to give up on yourself too. But I'm trying best to ignore those unhappy things. Telling myself that it is Nothing Cause You've been through Shit Michelle Ng!
Whatever you guys wanna call me ,Drunktard,alcoholic,emo kid,blah blah blah..I Don't fucking care okay?You don't know me!So just get the hell out of my life.thanks. I don't need your judgement.
And yeah,I admit I'm very stubborn. but sorry I can't change it. That's just me.
Yes I do feel upset when people call me a bad girl,told me that I've changed a lot,ask me to behave like a good girl,tell me that I shouldnt do this and that..I do think about it all the time..
I'll accept some and ignore the rest. but guess what?if you guys really don't like my attitude now,it's ok just fuck off cause neither Me.
I have soo much things to write.been keeping inside too long..gonna be mad soon!
I've been keeping things away from some of my close friends,I'm sorry..Cause I assumed that you guys already fed up with my complains ,sad stories. I don't want you guys to feel annoyed.
That's why whenever you all ask me:"How are you?How's life?Is everything okay?" I'll definitely give positive answer..I don't wanna lie..but I'm just being too negative already so I have no choice but sometimes to act in front of y'all. I really hope I can talk. I can express it out loud.But when you reach a point which you tell all your stories out and people can't understand ,you'll feel it's pointless to tell. So I rather keep it all. Sometimes I try to act happy in front of my friends,cause I don't want to be an emo person,unhappy person. I don't want them to worry..I don't want to show face like the rest of the world owe me things..but I know that I'm just lying to myself.
I don't understand why people can get over bad/sad things so fast but I can't.
I jealous them. I feel like an idiot seeing you getting over it SO fast and can just moved on with your life like a rocket but lefting me stucked here. I hate myself. I hate I still cannot get over it and move on. I hate that You're still the one that affects my life the most.I hate that you still appear in my dream everyday every night.I hate that my heart is still aching when I see you are trying to approach some new girls. I don't want to see you. I don't want to go school.I'm so sick of myself,so sick of everything..so lazy to wake up from my dreams..But tell me why god arrange things in such a way ?Don't tell me it is fate..I hate this word.
I dont believe that there are always rainbows after the rain. Cause it will never happen on me, I don't see it~
and yah, I do have a really sick look..college mates used to ask me this," Are you sick again?Why you look so pale?" I do not know why I look pale even if I'm okay ,I'm not sick..
Guess I have to just agreed with some sayings that you'll look sick outside if you're internally sick..mentally sick..yesh,I am I am. I'm a very weak person..cause I'm girl! My heart is the weakest. Cause its already broken.Once it's broken in pieces,its damn hard to fix it back.
It's been so long already,I'm even lazy to count ,it last like this how long already..I don't know who I am..I don't like myself..really,yes I really Hate myself..
I'm so sick of myself! I'm so sorry to all my friends.especially the close one.. I knew it..I know someday you people will feel sick at me as well.. I don't know why recently I became like so bad tempered and so sensitive..but in fact, I'm just very upset when I heard words which show that you guys already got bored with me..with my attitude all these while..I didn't blame because even Myself are feeling sick too! I really wanna change..I'm trying my bes But I'm sorry I can't change things..
I did try you know?I did..I'm trying hard ,very hard every single days..but I just couldn't get happy..so I'll just party hard..perhaps to get high and happy for that particular moment..I know I've been acting like a stupid immature person but I don't care..I'm not being greedy..I just need someone who can support me,someone who can comfort me,someone who can understand me,listen to me,can accept who am I. Do you guys know whats the feeling when your closest family members felt the same way as the others feel and choosed to give up on you
? Let me tell you, You'll feel so hopeless about yourself. You might want to give up on yourself too. But I'm trying best to ignore those unhappy things. Telling myself that it is Nothing Cause You've been through Shit Michelle Ng!
Whatever you guys wanna call me ,Drunktard,alcoholic,emo kid,blah blah blah..I Don't fucking care okay?You don't know me!So just get the hell out of my life.thanks. I don't need your judgement.
And yeah,I admit I'm very stubborn. but sorry I can't change it. That's just me.
Yes I do feel upset when people call me a bad girl,told me that I've changed a lot,ask me to behave like a good girl,tell me that I shouldnt do this and that..I do think about it all the time..
I'll accept some and ignore the rest. but guess what?if you guys really don't like my attitude now,it's ok just fuck off cause neither Me.
I have soo much things to write.been keeping inside too long..gonna be mad soon!
I've been keeping things away from some of my close friends,I'm sorry..Cause I assumed that you guys already fed up with my complains ,sad stories. I don't want you guys to feel annoyed.
That's why whenever you all ask me:"How are you?How's life?Is everything okay?" I'll definitely give positive answer..I don't wanna lie..but I'm just being too negative already so I have no choice but sometimes to act in front of y'all. I really hope I can talk. I can express it out loud.But when you reach a point which you tell all your stories out and people can't understand ,you'll feel it's pointless to tell. So I rather keep it all. Sometimes I try to act happy in front of my friends,cause I don't want to be an emo person,unhappy person. I don't want them to worry..I don't want to show face like the rest of the world owe me things..but I know that I'm just lying to myself.
I don't understand why people can get over bad/sad things so fast but I can't.
I jealous them. I feel like an idiot seeing you getting over it SO fast and can just moved on with your life like a rocket but lefting me stucked here. I hate myself. I hate I still cannot get over it and move on. I hate that You're still the one that affects my life the most.I hate that you still appear in my dream everyday every night.I hate that my heart is still aching when I see you are trying to approach some new girls. I don't want to see you. I don't want to go school.I'm so sick of myself,so sick of everything..so lazy to wake up from my dreams..But tell me why god arrange things in such a way ?Don't tell me it is fate..I hate this word.
I dont believe that there are always rainbows after the rain. Cause it will never happen on me, I don't see it~
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